How You Leave the Relationship Matters
Let me premise this blog with an advisory: the suggestions below do not apply to situations where there may be family violence or if one party has taken a hostile step (i.e. disposition or transfer of family property and assets). Please consult one of our family lawyers for advice specific to your situation.
I’ve had the fortune to meet with many individuals to discuss what their separation might look like before it happens (and no, seeing a lawyer before the official separation does not mean your separation process is doomed to be more complex and litigious).
Over the years, I’ve consolidated several general guidelines of things to avoid before and after separating:
Do not tell your kids that you’re separating before you’ve had a chance to tell your spouse.
Surround yourself with support, but perhaps filter out individuals who are not able to stay discreet (i.e., things you share will be relayed to your spouse) or objective (i.e., add more fuel to the fire).
Do not dig through your spouse’s private emails for information. Along the same line, recordings of arguments made without the other spouse’s knowledge are biased and rarely helpful.
Avoid social media. It really isn’t the best place to post about your new relationship, or how you’re the better parent, or the spending spree you recently went on. Clients are often surprised that even posts on a private account can end up in an affidavit. Remember, that things posted on social media can be screenshotted and shared with your spouse.
Avoid substantive discussions regarding the separation itself by text or email. Your relationship with your spouse is likely in a fragile state. Written communications can create all sorts of miscommunication.
If the two of you are going to sit down and talk about the separation, treat it like a formal meeting. Schedule a time, take breaks, and pay attention to how you’re doing during the meeting. If you find yourself becoming so emotional that your thinking-brain is disengaged, take a break, or reschedule.
I’ve said this to couples beginning a new relationship and I’ve said this to couples going through a separation: value the relationship. This underlines all the suggestions above.
Separation and divorce should not be warfare with the goal of ultimate obliteration of your spouse. Separation and divorce are a transition from one type of relationship to another type of relationship. If you have children, then this transition is even more important to keep in mind, as you both remain the parents of your children and often have to stay in communication with them about your children
With that said, whether you and your spouse are trying to decide if separation is the route or if you’ve already decided to separate, the support of counsellors can make all the difference.
Counsellors can help guide you and your spouse towards greater understanding of each other’s perspectives and needs as well as teach you techniques to calm your nervous system and emotions so that you can re-engage your thinking-brain.